I opened the computer, signed on, and waited for the page to load. The page that would tell me if all of my hard work paid off. The page that would tell me it was finally time to start a new chapter in this so called book of life. The page loaded and all my failures, mistakes, and self-doubt rushed to the front, I had failed the test that I studied so long for.
I closed the computer and slowly and unsteadily walked up to the bedroom. I laid down on the bed and cried for hours, shaking and sobbing into my pillow. I laid their staring at the ceiling fan going around and around, thinking how stupid I was. How I let everyone down and would have to tell them I didn’t pass. How I have to spend another season of my life studying and preparing. My phone vibrated over and over again next to me, floods of messages from the people I loved coming in, but I couldn’t look, I didn’t want to hear positive words of encouragement, I was too busy being stuck inside my own head and my own thoughts.
I laid in the bed not wanting to face the world, after the tears stopped, I felt numb. I still feel numb. How can someone work so hard only to have it end with failure?
I know it will get better. I know that each day the burn will feel less and less, until it disappears all together. Today is better then yesterday and I keep telling myself failure is just a stepping stone to success. That maybe the plan didn’t work out the way I had wanted it to, but maybe a better plan is waiting for me. I’ll go back to studying and preparing soon, and give it another shot.
I’ve learned that I am not in control and I cannot plan everything, sometimes things happen, failures happen, and you just have to move forward one day at a time.