"I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned"

As I was catching up on google reader yesterday, I came across this article. I love the whole idea behind I am that girl, and one of my favorite people, Sophia Bush is a supporter which make is that much better. 

Think about this…

In the world of “should,” there is no room to be real, honest or vulnerable. In a world of “should,” we live by everyone else’s invisible rules. We are governed by expectations most of us created when we were kids from the kind of person we marry to the car we drive. What I’ve come to realize is that when we allow ourselves to be on autopilot, we hand over our pen to someone else and ask them to author our lives, taking a backseat to their rules and slip comfortably into their mold for our lives.
– Alexis Jones

I have always been a people pleaser, a girl trying to make everybody happy. I wish I could say a lot of what I have done in my life growing up was for the sole purpose of making myself happy, but it was not, I was and still am constantly trying to please those around me…and it seems like sometimes it’s impossible to do so! There have been times where I have been overwhelmed, stressed, and stretched so thin that I would just be overcome with anxiety and the feeling of failure. My mom has been telling me for years that you can’t make everybody happy, to learn from her mistakes…it sounds so much simpler than it is. After I graduated from Merrimack in May, my plan was to go to nursing school. Everyone around me somehow convinced me that this was what I wanted and this is what I should be doing…so eventually I convinced myself it was what I wanted. I applied to school and after 2 rejection letters and one wait listed letter, I was whole heartedly discouraged. I started to question what I wanted. Was I just questioning it because I thought changing my mind would ease the pain of rejection? I think part of it was that, but I also think I started to picture my future and what I wanted it to be like. 

Well after a few weeks of thinking, the graduate school gods sent me a letter of acceptance…except I wasn’t excited. I thought an acceptance letter would have me filled with excitement and eagerness…all I felt was confusion and sadness. All of my friends and my fiancé knew what they were doing after graduation, they knew what they were doing with their life, and here I was so confused and overcome with the ideas of what others wanted me to be doing. I had numerous days of panic, but I finally decided that I was forgoing nursing school, it just wasn’t what I saw myself doing. I was so afraid to disappoint those around me early on when I was applying, that I ended up wasting valuable time and money for something deep down I knew I didn’t want to do. I was afraid to tell my parents that I didn’t want to be a nurse, because for the past year that was all I had talked about. I was afraid to see the looks on their faces and the disappointment in their voices, but I knew if I went through with school I wouldn’t be happy. I think they were a tad disappointed and confused…but they have supported me and so has everyone else around me. It has been almost a year since I graduated and I still feel a little confused with what I want to do, but I have learned so many important lessons this past year, and most of all I have learned to listen to my own voice. 

Sure I still have tons of days where I try to please everyone. I am a complete type A perfectionist, so I don’t think my days of pleasing are ever going to completely go away. I have tried to be real and honest with myself and what I want, not what I think I ‘should’ be doing. I think if we make ourselves happy, it will make those around us happy, and not enough people realize this, heck I’m just starting too! But I am 22 and I get to marry my best friend in September, I have my pen in my hand, and I am writing my story one word at a time.

“My challenge for you, for me, for all us is to fight to make your own decisions in life, to create your own rules and write your own personal constitution, only ever looking for your own approval.”

Check out this letter to a young woman while your at it! 

Who writes your story? Is your story authentic, honest, and in your own hands? 


2 thoughts on “"I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned"

  1. Wonderful post! It's awesome when people realize that their life is in their own hands! I love seeing people strive for an authentic life. There is only one you and if you take the time to be someone else's version of you, then you loose yourself. It's great that you are taking the time to learn who you are!

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